Not going away

This pain I feel is not going away.. 
Everyone says time heals..
Seems like it gets worse over time...
All this pain inside just sitting there waiting to come out..
Maybe it gets worse before it gets better..
I sure don't want it to get worse before it gets better..
I bottle up everything and throw it out to the ocean..
But it seems like my bottle always comes back to me..
So I open it..
Everything comes out...
But I don't show it.
I go to my room cry or take a shower and cry..
But what happens when I am mad at myself...
or even mad at someone else for doing this to me...
I cut myself thinking it's my fault all of that happened..
I don't eat or sleep...
I wish this pain would just leave...
I tried running away from pain I just cant...
It's always there..
Like a best friend...

Be strong

No one knows how bad things hurt when they said those bad things..
Like making fun of abuses..
Making fun of raped..
Something not to make fun of..
For real reasons!
Because maybe someone by you has been..
They don't want to listen to that even if you weren't!
Really messed up! 
Something not to make fun of or something that's not even going to make you laugh!

Behind the smile

There's a lot behind my smile
A lot that you don't see
A lot that I hide from you
You don't know the real me

There's a lot behind my smile
So much that I hide from you
Things you'll never know
And couldn't comprehend if you do

You'll never see behind this mask
That I've worn for so many years
Just remember
That one smile can hide a million tears

There's a lot behind my smile
I act like I've got nothing to lie about
Nothing to sigh about
But inside I've got something to cry about

There's a lot behind my smile you see
I just don't always voice my fears
But always remember
That one smile can hold a million tears

Wanting to cry, but keeping that head up high.

I don't want the tears to come up, overflowing and dropping down my face. I know that sometimes I just need it, but I want to avoid it all the time. I hate crying, hate it to my core. I don't ever get a chance to cry out loud. If I do, then people would want to know why. I cant speak when I cry. I have no words just thoughts when I cry. WHEN SOMEONE SEES I AM IN PAIN I TEND TO HIDE IT WITH A REALLY LAME EXCUSE LIKE I HAVE REALLY BAD TOOTHACHE. I WANT TO CRY SO BAD. ALSO WHEN I CRY I CANNOT STOP I CONTINUE TO THINK OF ALL THE THINGS I DID WRONG AND THINK OF THE PEOPLE I GAVE UP ON. I AM ACTUALLY HOPELESS. 

I have to be an example, I have to be normal, I have to be happy no matter what and take what life gives me with a smile on my face. But you know what? I`m not strong, I`m far from being an example, I`m so not what you call normal and most of all I`m not happy. The real me it`s hidden with a smile. When it get`s too much, and I can`t keep my mask any longer, don`t worry, you won`t see my silent tears.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying to cope with everything but its so much. Sometimes to much. I've been thinking about cutting again because it makes me feel better and feel like the pain goes away. I want to feel free! I don't want to feel so gross anymore. I want to feel that I love myself and my body.

Teens

Hey you guys!!

I just wanted to say sorry I haven't been writing much. I just started and really didn't know what to write about. I want you guys to start giving me some idea's no were to start or what you guys like. I'm here to help too. 

Well sense I haven't been writing on my blog I will tell you guys I got a JOB!! I've been there a month and it's been okay. I get  my own money and it makes me feel great! I feel like I'm on top of the world ha :)

Well I hope you guy comment soon! Have a nice day!