I don't want the tears to come up, overflowing and dropping down my face. I know that sometimes I just need it, but I want to avoid it all the time. I hate crying, hate it to my core. I don't ever get a chance to cry out loud. If I do, then people would want to know why. I cant speak when I cry. I have no words just thoughts when I cry. WHEN SOMEONE SEES I AM IN PAIN I TEND TO HIDE IT WITH A REALLY LAME EXCUSE LIKE I HAVE REALLY BAD TOOTHACHE. I WANT TO CRY SO BAD. ALSO WHEN I CRY I CANNOT STOP I CONTINUE TO THINK OF ALL THE THINGS I DID WRONG AND THINK OF THE PEOPLE I GAVE UP ON. I AM ACTUALLY HOPELESS.
I have to be an example, I have to be normal, I have to be happy no matter what and take what life gives me with a smile on my face. But you know what? I`m not strong, I`m far from being an example, I`m so not what you call normal and most of all I`m not happy. The real me it`s hidden with a smile. When it get`s too much, and I can`t keep my mask any longer, don`t worry, you won`t see my silent tears.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying to cope with everything but its so much. Sometimes to much. I've been thinking about cutting again because it makes me feel better and feel like the pain goes away. I want to feel free! I don't want to feel so gross anymore. I want to feel that I love myself and my body.
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